第19回:講述
?和死?????永遠?法跨越???鴻溝??留戀?死畏懼?舍?忘死??種境界?貪?怕死???種本??
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?旦???求死????悲哀??明???比死更艱難?
當?聽?淩??????求死??候?吃??驚?因??當???????????所???存???
“當???覺??並?怕死???覺????經???任何?希望?”淩??仰?望??“????正?深秋?秋意?濃?????雨?淅淅瀝瀝?正值傍晚??經餓??????當????高興????正?死???節???走??城西??片??林???林??河邊?先洗?洗臉???死???幹幹靜靜???河水?倒影???????己……?張死??樣?臉??難怪????給?施舍??苦笑?希望???????張正常?臉????正常???活?”
?頓????“?片??林?景色?美???暖和??候??晚??常???睡覺????反正?死????????葬??屍???????林????當?又睡覺??樣吧??解??腰帶?”?樂?兩聲?“??腰帶?其實???根麻繩????真??條?麻繩??從??用它?結實????把腰帶?往?枝?扔????打???結?又搬?兩塊石??墊???”
??聲音?依舊??冰冷??比?素常?冰冷??????悲涼?“?站?石???把腰帶套??脖??????????點留戀????又???眼????林?安安靜靜??????????林?真?啊?????若?幸?????????啊?腳??踹?石?塌???整???懸??繩套????覺???肺??????像??抽幹??樣??快???覺??暈、眼??黑??種滋味?難受????怕??知????死??原?????死?滋味啊?”
?完??沉默????覺??緊張??????曾??樣?經曆?
?深吸??口??繼續??“再?????知????久???眼睜?????????消瘦?……和尚??正??????醒???微笑???‘年紀輕輕?何必尋短見呢?’?茫??知所措??覺??暈?眼?全?金星?雖?暈???知????死成??把?救??????兒??緩????吃??坐????‘?救???’?問??‘??救?????把?從繩套?放????’?回答????‘????救????幹嘛?救??’?笑????‘???????把?從繩套?放????並??救???救???????己?’??懂??什?意思???願意和?繼續糾纏?掙紮?站????回?????麻繩腰帶????懸??‘怎?????死?’??和尚問?????‘?什??活????死?’?笑??‘死???呢?’?回答?‘死?重新投胎?’?又笑??‘?世???繼續受苦呢?再?死?’?愣???啊??????繼續受苦呢?難?????殺?????答????又笑??”
淩??搖?搖??“?當??真??知怎?回答?問題??問??‘???該怎?辦?’???笑???‘所???救??????????死?????己?’?納悶???‘??己若?救??何??死呢?’?哈哈?笑?‘?曾救???己??’??服??‘?己怎?救?????乞丐?每??飯????救?己??吃??餓死???從?吃飽??從?????高興?日???家?見??張臉??厭惡、?趕???連狗食??搶?吃????怎?救?’?和尚見??話聲音越?越??依???笑?‘???????吃苦??算救?’??點???問??‘????怎?才算?救?’和尚微笑?????‘其實????知?應該?何救????己??尋求解脫?法門????樣吧??跟???當??徒弟?咱???學習解脫?法門??何?’”
淩???語速?又變?平緩?“??懂??問??‘???收?當徒弟?’???‘?啊?’??點?知所措??????跟??當和尚?應該?吃飽飯?吧??答應???當??讓?坐??從包裹?取???把?刮刀???剃?度?‘?河?照?照???當和尚???什?樣??’?????挺?奇???河邊照?照?唉?????臉色?甚至?比??????????????蓋?蓋??臉????????全漏???更嚇???????剃??正悶悶?樂?和尚????‘??定覺???????????師?告訴????什????什???、????????況且?何謂??又何謂??呢????連?己?厭惡?己?又?何讓別??厭惡?呢???救?己?首先??認識?己?’?當?懵懵懂懂?雖?明???覺???許、?許??????理??點點????高興??帶??走??”
?又停頓??????清縷??思緒?“走??林??候????種?新??感覺??覺??????????????????經?林??死掉?????新???走進城??????認識?????吃驚????????目光?????、???意思?????乎????乎???眼光???跟?師父????昂首挺胸?走??師父回?笑?????‘???用太趾高?昂?和尚和尚??和?尚????謙遜????’走街串巷?師父敲門化緣??雖?消瘦??慈眉善目???誰?笑?化緣並?難???記???????第?次?吃???完整?、幹淨?、???黴??饅??師父給????饅?真??吃???軟?卻?勁????口?口?吃?師父????笑?遞給???缽???‘喝口水?別噎??’??缽盂??水????打?井水??卻??甜???問??‘師父??什??井水??缽盂??變甜??您???寶物吧?’??笑?‘???缽盂????井水?變甜????水?????情?’”
?低???知???回????幕??笑??背??????????????????
?接???“???????懂???師父教導??話??覺???話?意思?每句話??似乎???什??從??????跟?師父修行?????己?廟宇?居?定所??處遊??走?哪??化緣?哪??最?始??年??什???教????帶??遊????從北往南走?每??午行路??午?餐??午???帶????僻靜????禪坐???坐??整整??午???事??跟??坐?????知怎?禪坐?反正??學??盤腿坐??做累????躺?兒?晚??????破廟、?林?睡覺??真???憂?慮??活啊???第?年?依舊??樣??同????每次打坐?????教?佛法???講經???佛法????解脫?法門???初聽?懂????似乎懂????再???似乎又?懂?????事???懂?????”
?又深吸?兩口??“??曾經問????什???樣??和別???樣??知?????師父?雖???名刹古寺??和尚?雖??穿?僧袍?舊、???補丁???????智慧????每次?問????笑??語???逼問?急??????‘別急????知???候?????知??’”
??點??急?恨??馬?知???什??此“特別”???此?仿佛?陷入?回憶??緩緩???“??樣帶??遊??又走?兩年???????處山清水秀????停??????簡直??世外桃源??圓百????家?師父????清靜?適合修行?咱???此住?吧????己搭建??座茅草屋??山????各種果???年?季?春??管采?吃??每?師父?教?佛法?教?禪坐??樣?日????煩惱、??紛擾?真?……?憂?慮……”?
??向往??“????樣??日???總??????????師父?????與??師父?十數年???約定???離?此處??尋???????????????行???處?山水?乃??修行?寶?????此?靜修?待?完?事情??再回???篤信??便獨??山?修行……”
“唉?”?歎??口??“誰知??師父????便?直?回??直?……?年?????茅草屋?房梁????????留給???封信?”